Rock the Casbah

This week rates up there with one of Good Ones.

It's alllllllllll coming to plan.

I've been spending my days working at a very high end Talent Agency in swinging London. Clients include: Joseph Fiennes, Emily Blunt, Jeremy Irons, Helen Mirren, Anna Friel, Tim Curry!! (antici..pation) and sooo many others, The Haitian from Heroes! Suresh from Heroes! Soo many cool people to stalk.

First up, I was sorting the fan mail, and hence: got some good stalking info, for instance, do you know Emily Blunts home address? I do.. Do you know Helen Mirren's email??? I got it.

Joseph Fiennes came into the office, however no autographs allowed, I would a need spy brooch to take some sneaky photos, should be fine given that M16 and Scotland yard is just down the road, there would be tonnes of places selling dodgy WWII spy gear.

So. Awesome.

We have a home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In Notting Hill! Well Ladbroke Grove, which is on the peripheral of The Hill, where The Clash came from. Our place is one street away from Portobello Road, so that means lots of fruit & veg markets, and lots of antiquey crap.

ZING!!!!!!!!!!

Also, last night I saw New Moon, and I personally have never been into Twilight, but I do like the thought of Taylor Lautner shirtless, and this movie certainly delivered. Shirtlessness so much shirtlessness! Taylor must have had in his contract "must be allergic to clothes".. so awesome. If I was 16 years old, id be spending all day today at home in bed pleasuring myself to thoughts about Taylor and his teenagery wolfman hotness.

It's Cougar Time!!

My Russell Brand Moment

There is always a lot of things happening in London, places to eat, exhibitions to see, and live entertainment to spectate. Unfortunately, we haven't done any of those things. I've been here 10 days and all our time is spent looking for apartments - which in itself is pretty fun, as the Real Estate places chauffeur you around in cute little black Mini's showing you a buffet of places according to your specifications, and you get free drinks! So we've seen a lot of areas of London and have narrowed down our fav spots to live in (Ladbroke Grove/Angel) BUT we haven't really done anything yet.

YET!! Today however the dry spell has broken.

Being that I am obvs a huuuge fan of Russell Brand, I am in the know of his whereabouts at all times, and thankfully the stars have aligned to put me and Russell in London and the Scandalous DVD debut and Q&A at the HMV on Oxford Circus.

I got my wristband. I got my DVD. I stood in the group and watched Russell do his thing. Then there was a lot of waiting around before I got to go up for some body on body touching.

As you can clearly see - Russell is giving me the "helloooo" eyebrows.

The only problem with fan meet and greets, where they are signing things - is that it's impersonal, reeks of an assembly line and is empty and void of any real emotion, and you know the person you're there to see is only there out of obligation to a merchandising contract. But you know what?? if I was in Russell's shoes I would feel exactly the same... bunch of randoms coming up to hug you and make you sign things.. he was definitely in a Post-Signing-Haze by the time I got to him.

He did go in for the hug first though.. But then his eyes kinda glazed over whilst he did the repetitive "yeahh thanks for comin out, where you from? oh that's lovely that is, how do you spell your name? thanks so much"

So essentially the words I said to Russell were:
Hi
Sydney.. I saw you at the Hordern Pavillion
E.L

But still.. 10 more words than before today... next time I can only hope that we meet in a bar and we can talk more important topics, like what he would name his next cat, could he sign my London A-Z, can I sit on your lap(face)?

A Post for Epileptic Dogs

When I was really into Rock of Love, I remember there being a challenge where Megan Hauserman wanted to raise money for her charity for Epileptic Dogs, and everyone rolled their eyes like "sif there is such a thing as epileptic dogs"

Then Flight of the Conchords came out with their track 'A Song for Epileptic Dogs' and once again, eyes were rolled because HA! that's a hilarious song, but you know.. sif dogs with epilepsy actually exist...

Yet I have now seen first hand an Epileptic Dog and the heart breaking scene that is an Epileptic Dog Fit.

We are currently dog sitting an epileptic dog in London and it is the saaadest thing ever to see an epileptic dog having a fit. At first I thought he was just unable to stand up properly on the wood floor until I realised OMG this dog is having a fit right in front of me. I put him in my arms and sang calming Dido lyrics until the fit ended (not really, but next time.. for sure)

So sad. The only real thing you can do for an epileptic dog is use a Valium medication that unfortunately is rectally administered, and I'm sure the last thing a dog having a seizure wants is a tube shoved up its bum.

Poor baby. I am such an animal lover that 8 days into my dog sitting period, he is already my Lenny patch, and I would quite happily walk around with him strapped to my chest in a baby harness, sporting a shirt "I Heart Epileptic Dogs" shaking a can collecting money "spare a penny for epileptic dogs??"

Good Luck to the owners coming back to claim him.

KNOCK KNOCK
"we're here to pick Zeke up"
"No babies here!!" SLAM.. (takes out restraining order against said owners)

First Week

So upon arrival in the UK, my new home as it were, I was a bit worried i'd be suffering from Post Partum Depression - ie: giving birth to this brand new life and not being able to bond with it. Luckily, London is a very cool city so I was worrying for nothing.. Had I moved to somewhere rubbish i'm sure I would have felt different (zone 6..)

Luckily we are living in Zone 2, in Finsbury Park (land of mosques and Muslims) - where luckily we have a room to stay in and aren't some burdensome lump on the couch in someones loungeroom. Much easier to be a burdensome lump with your own door. Plus it's only 11 mins on the tube to Oxford Circus, so you can deal with the roughness of the area if you run really quickly past the Mostaqbal (terrorist supermarket) to the tube station.

So far this week has been about finding a suburb we want to live in, so we have been going around to real estate agents in all sorts of areas, so far our favourite is Angel, but today we are looking around Notting Hill - it is a classic war of East vs West.

I have applied for about 40 jobs, so hopefully over the coming weeks I will have some interviews to attend, and can start earning pounds so I can go shopping!!!!!!! I haven't brought anything yet, as I am still yet to receive a suitcase of clothes I shipped over here, but there is soooo much good stuff that I need.want.

On the plus side, I have had a taste of Fruli, and the delicious snacks from Waitrose.

There are Christmas lights everywhere, which is actually cool for once, as Pitt St just doesn't quite get it right. Christmas makes sense in the Northern Hemisphere -icicles, snow, reindeer's -not prawns, pool toys and SPF 30.

1 week down. 5 years to go.

I'm gonna be a millionaire .. idea #17363

Ok, so you know how a lot of amazing things come to people whilst they are sleeping? ie: lyrics to great songs/inventions... well I had a dream about a new appliance that is going to change the world...

I call it... The BACON MAKER

Essentially: picture a machine that is a hybrid juicer/microwave contraption... uncooked bacon goes into a slot (like an ATM) and then you set your Bacon Maker to how you want your bacon (well cooked/crispy as hell) and then BING comes out the other end perfecto.

Is this genius or what?? The Westinghouse Bacon Maker is gonna make me a millionaire.

If only it was the 60's when people had really useless giant appliances in their kitchens.

Is Demtel Hiring??

London iiiiyt

So. I live in London now.
That is bizarre. It's like saying.. "ok, i'm a zebra now"

It was very sad leaving home and all my friends and Lenman. I should have brought a blanket with all his hair all over it that I could roll around in when I am feeling pangs of missing him. (the pangs are palpable)

The day after I left home it was 39 degrees. When I arrived it was 9.

One thing that I am still getting used to is stupid Fahrenheit. Why do we have Fahrenheit? It's like one of those crap Zimbabwean currencies that make no sense.. how can it be cold if it is 29 degrees outside? Screw You Fahrenheit Barometer.

I am yet to start exploring the city, but today I will buy the one thing that I came here for: a container of Waitrose Cornflake Clusters.

Even though I brought 2 bags of clothes with me, I am still walking around the High St shops going "want it.. want it.. need it" to all the great stuff in the windows. A girl can never have enough hats & scarves.

Tonight I'm going to see a Guy Fawkes Fireworks thing on the Thames, which is quite bizarre - as you wouldn't think a country would have a fireworks celebration night themed around a guy who tried to blow up Parliament?? I doubt we'll ever see Al-Queda Fireworks Night in NYC.

Bizarre-O-World. Population = 1.

3 Nights

Moving House is sooooooooo much fun!! NOT. This is my life right now:

Wake up.
Walk back to apartment.
Walk around with a bucket and rag scrubbing at any marks that I spot on the walls, although at this point i'd have to say that the marks on the walls are 80% imaginary, and 20% mangled huntsman guts from when we squish them against the wall with the mop (die scum)

Lenny, did not take the move well. When he went to his new house for the next 6 months, he had what I would refer to as a 'minor breakdown'... as in: That cat has rabies and needs to be put down... he was going to kill me I swear. I had to hide behind the couch for hours whilst he swiped and hissed at me, and sleep with one eye open, lest he try to disembowel me in the night. Poor Man... I dont know what he's complaining about - he has a lovely balcony to sun himself on, and i'm going to be freezing my tits off in 5 days time. (I hear men like the nipply look, so thats one bonus) He came around luckily, and has been sleeping in my armpit everynight, getting as much love as he can before we are seperated by the oceans of time. (damn you quarantine!!! sif my cat has any diseases...except for his violent rages)

My blue couch cushions that we threw out 2 years ago have made a last ditch effort to try and come to London with us, last time they brought a picnic blanket with them which we were not intersted in, so this time they came back with a crusty old beer refrigerator... it was very thoughtful but not something I really need to pack on a move to London, so they were once again shunned in the street and disappeared. Who know what they will show up with next.

The crazy lady downstairs has been really crazy. She keeps going through our garbage that we are throwing out into the council clean up, and putting it back inside the apartment. Which would be fine, except our body corporate calls us and is all "whats with the shit outside the apartment" damn you insanity woman... she also tricked me into carrying about 10 terracotta pots around for her, but that is another story.. a story about a mental lady and her wily ways.

Well, after all that, I'm kinda ready to leave. My house is empty and it's no fun sitting around on the floor waiting for movers, cleaners, real estate peeps. For one - I have cleaned the toilet to a saintly cleanliness, so when I need to poop I have to weigh the options of pooing in a plastic bag and hanging my bum out the window.. or just dropping a duce for the final time... unfortunately the burly moving men duced me up before I had a chance and I had to scrub it back to a germ free zone.

In excellent news - Russell Brand is doing a DVD signing of his show 'Scandalous' which I saw at the Hordern earlier this year. So I am going to go along to that in my first week in London to Oxford Circus with my things to sign, and when I say things, I mean my breasts. Down with Katy Perry.

Goodbye Sydney. My next post will be in London.
Goodbye fare harbour with your amber shades of grey. My home is girt by huntsmans.

Fermals & Furballs

Things I'm Gonna Do in London, no matter how lame they sound.

* Stalk Russell Brand - apparently he lives in Hampstead Heath, how big can that be? I think my first few weeks will be spent hiding in bushes with binoculars looking for men in tight leather pants to bad touch.

*If i'm gonna be hangin in the heath I better dress Heath. I've noticed that anything goes in London. So I am going to dress myself the way I imagine radioactive blind insane monkeys would. Thermals and a Wetsuit, spruced up with a nice hat.

*talk london. i'm not sure which dialect I should be aiming for here, but I'm going to first try out a bit of ye olde cockney - this will go down a treat when I am doing the dodgy sight-seeing at first, then onto poshy snob british, then I might do a bit of 'got no teef' london talk.

* lose my nose septum.

*grow my armpit hair nice and long for extra warmth

oooh yeah. 6 days.

My 20's... the sparknotes

2000
The Millenium came in a haze of disappointment. My computer continued to function and my microwave didnt come alive and try to eat me. I turned 20 this year. I began my first full time job at Channel 9. I was exposed to the world of corporate lunches/the executive bar/excessive throwing up at the executive bar. I lived in Manly, and listened to Marilyn Manson/NIN and wore black a lot. I was the Erin Brockovich of the television sponsorhsip advertising world. I even had business cards. I went to Norway for christmas and had my first white christmas. I had my 20th birthday in Manly and was shouted a round of Long Island Iced Tea -threw my guts up massively and woke up with a busted eyeball. I thought I had a brain tumor, but the chemist said I just threw up too much.

2001
This is the year I moved out of home to Cremorne. I turned 21 and thusly moved to where I would call home for the next 8 years - the lower north shore (north side bags yooo). Everyone was totally into Lord of the Rings, but I was into Big Brother. Kylie Minogue was suddenly awesome again. I had my 21st birthday at a Mexican Restaurant.

2002
Having been deathy afraid of hairdressers for the past 15 years I finally went to one who gave me a nice cut, and restored my faith in the hairdressing profession. I broke up with my boyfriend and share housed for the first time, in Neutral Bay. Having never seen a 'chores list' in a house with 3 adults before, I was apprehensive and assumed my current housemates were pedantic anal dicks within that first week, luckily they weren't so bad, but they did use a lot of toilet paper. I went out with a string of jerk's. My favourite band was The Donnas, and I watched a lot of Amelie, Donnie Darko and The Royal Tenembaums. I also started taking a lot of exstacy. Weekends were like this: clean up according to the chore list: buy drugs: take drugs: figure out what to do, or just stay at home on drugs, I made friends with a lot of people on the basis that we liked taking drugs together. This was also the year of Zoolander, and silverchair's Diorama. Instant Favourites. I had my birthday at the Greenwood -and hooked up with a tonne of guys.

2003
I went out with more losers, one of whom dumped me on my birthday. Then I met a really nice girl who was an immediate BFFF (best fucking friend forever) who also thought my flatmates were anal pedantic weirdos, and I moved in with her to Crows Nest. It was a great apartment and it was the best time i've ever had living with someone. I took less drugs during this time. I went on a holiday to Cairns for the first time where some douchebag doctor started me on a prescription of anti depressants after one x 15 min meeting??! Thus cementing in my mind that doctors from QLD are tools who found their medical degrees in cornflakes packets. Mark and I started dating one night outside the recycling bins at his apartment, and he moved in with me. Musically there was not much happening. Lost in Translation came out, and I brought a hot pink wig that I wore once. Kill Bill also came out and I really just wanted a yellow leather onepiece tracksuit. Musically we listened to a lot of Air - talkie walkie, and Jack Johnson. I was dumped on my birthday so I went to Radio Cairo in Cremorne to dull the pain.

2004
Mark and I moved to our apartment we live in now, Neutral Bay, which would usher in the 'best years of my life' movement. Most importantly, we brought Lenny home, who aside from a handful of humans, he is my favourite breathing creature on the planet. I stopped working at Ch 9, found an ad for a 'Theatrical Assistant' - having no idea what that was, I nailed the job at the interview and started my career as a Talent Agent. We went to the snow where I snowboarded for the first time. Gwen Stefani went solo, and I brought my first iPod and a digital camera, which changed the way we think about taking a million photos of one event. Anchorman was an immediate favourite and garnered a weekly watching and much quoting to the annoyance of everybody. I cant remember what I did for my birthday, but I remember carrot cake being involved.

2005
Mark and I went on a European/American holiday and got engaged in Las Vegas. Brokeback Mountain came out and was robbed at the Academy Awards by a stupid movie called Crash. Being a gay cowboy was suddenly cool. Steve Carrel also became cool with the 40 year old Virgin. All of a sudden your pyjamas werent cool unless they came from Peter Alexander. I discovered how excellent the world of MSN Messenger was, and became BFFF's with GJ. Madonna released "confessions" and Hung Up became a number one fav on high rotation on my kitchen music playlist. I started this blog. I loved The Life Aquatic. For my birthday we went to the Opera Bar and froze our nuts off.

2006
We had an engagement party, and no plans for a wedding anytime soon. Shakira's "hips dont lie" came out and everybodys temper went up a notch. I joined a gym for the first time in my life and lost 10 kg, which made me realise that for the past couple of years I had indeed accumulated a heckload of 'love fat'. Little Miss Sunshine came out which everybody raved about. I discovered Garden State, and whilst The Shins had one good song on that soundtrack, I didnt think they were that great. For my birthday we went to a Japanese Restaurant and drove down the south coast to some fancy restaurant.. I remember being pissed off the whole drive down.

2007
Probably the gheyest year ever. well the most 'professionally frustrating'. I resigned from my work in Double Bay for the fogies, who in hindsight were a bit nuts, but was still the best boss i've ever worked for, and the one place I wish I could go back to. I did some temping, which I realised none to soon is really shit, as they assume you can't function like a regular human with braincells. Cunts. Chris Lilley officially exploded into the ultimatum of coolness with Summer Heights High. We went to Argyle Bar for my 27th, where i got massively shitfaced and wore a cleaning rag around my neck thinking I was the sophistication of coolness.

2008
If 2007 was a ghey year, then 2008 was officially the worst. Having to work with some psychopath in their dirty cockroach infested shithole on Bondi Beach. Seriously, if anyone said they want to live at Bondi Beach I would punch them in the head, just to bring them around to sanity. It was also the year I got married (which was a good thing) but the rest was just tedius tedium. Life was all about quoting Superbad, musically, I dont think much happened. I was too busy hating the world in my dungeonesque hell hole. I listened to a lot of metallica during this time. I went to Melbourne for the first time, and once again - went to Cairns and got a siiic tan.

2009
Crazy. Crazy Times. I got sick of working in the shittiest hell hole on earth (second only to cleaning out Suddam Husseins bunker when he was hiding in it) I resigned and lived a life of leisure. I went to Cairns again - got permatanned. Went to Europe and saw a side of the world I want to be a part of. We decided to move to London in October of 2009. Crazy Crazy Times. 6 months passed since I quit that shitstain, and I find myself sitting in my apartment surrounded by boxes. Wonder what will happen next.

My 20's in a nutshell
Boyfriends: (for reals) 2.. a handful of jerks thrown in to spice it up
BFF's: 8 and counting
Residences: 5 and counting
Marriages: 1
Children: 1 (obviously the cat counts)
Siic Holidays: 8
Jobs: 8
Dead Braincells: 127,396,000

Moving to London, a dramatic reading

Pack Pack Pack and store things away
I wont take my DVD's

I'll watch you again one day.

Guitar, Sewing Machine, a Care Bear and an Amp,

These things I don't need anymore.

Would you like to buy my lamp?

Scrub the roof, Scrub the walls, Clean the drain of my Hair

I've never cleaned so much before.

How did mould get up there?

Going Sunday, Going Thursday, Going Monday, Going When?
I'll change my ticket a million times,

I'm having a farwell at the Rocks, i'll see you all then.

Lenny! You are my best friend

at the moment we are attached at the hip

Together till the end.

I'd honestly rather spend my last weeks hanging out all day

With my cat inside watching The Hills

April is only 5 months away.

I really hope that moving to London will be heaven

I don't want to hear how you hated it over there

Sif you would live in Zone Seven

At the moment i'm standing on a ledge, thats golden with shine

I'll jump into the darkness

To see what lurks behind.

It's time to go.... Crap

You know when you move house, you do a bit of spring cleaning, and throw out a huge pile of junk that you don't remember collecting but has somehow grown to fill 3 rooms worth over time?? well moving overseas is a lot like that, but a lot more ruthless.

When I move house for instance, I still traipse around with my sentimental junk, because no matter where I live, I know there will be some cupboard that I can store that crap in, never to see the light of day, until the next move when I open the box again and can't bring myself to throw the junk out once and for all.

However, being that I am relocating roughly 17,000km's from home, and my stuff has to be shipped/stored/destroyed, there are a loooot of menial decisions to make about a lot of garbage I have carried around with me for the past 29 years with my preverbial bag lady baggage in my cupboard of shame.

However first things first - we sold the car. We sold it within 2 days of posting the ad?!? wtf!! things are happening sooo quickly, its like the universe is saying "geettt oooout" like the Amityville House. Are my walls bleeding and talking to me? kinda. Sydney wants us gone.

Seeing the car go was a bit sad, it was one great car. We had excellent times (driving it on our honeymoon) and bad times (driving it into a parked car.... heyyy it came out of nowhere OK!) But now Herme has gone to a new home, and we have to walk around like homeless bums to the shops. Luckily Herme was brought by some rich guy in Mosman who brought the car for his daughter for her Uni Graduation (disgusting.. rich people disgust me) I love living in a rich neighbourhood. We get to reap all the benefits of their blase richness when they buy our cars on a whim (full price. no negotiations)

One thing down.. A billion more to go. I mean a car is easy. How do you decide on the worthiness of holding onto something that has no real value to anyone else, but you can't bring yourself to get rid of?? Ie: my rollerskates.

I've been holding onto these skates for at least............ 15 years. Which makes no sense really given that there are no such things as rollerskating rinks anymore.. (no cool ones anyway with sarsparilla/80's music and disco balls) But these skates are a symbol of my love of skating, that I used to spend every available school holiday opportunity at a skating rink, that I thought that one day I would grow up to be a rollerskating champion.... then when I got a little older I wore them to every 18th birthday party I went to dressed as Rollergirl..

But do I really need these skates???? would I pay $12 per KG to ship to London? can I really envisage myself rollerskating around Oxford Circus?? about the only place I could ever wear these skates is if I lived in Vondelpark.

So they're going.. I hope whoever gets them realises they are taking a part of my childhood dreams and maybe uses them once or twice to roll down their driveway, and they can spend some more time stored in a plastic bag living underneath the bed to keep the monsters away.

Frank Grimey Grimes

You know, even though when I move to London I will have live with the rain and cold (to be honest, I couldnt care less about this - I live for jacket and boot weather) but at least moving over there I won't have to deal with this:

This is Military Road in Mosman this morning.. Apocalypse... Armageddon.... the surface of Mars?? No just a mega dust cloud that covered the whole city.

If that wasn't bad enough - the dust permeated all through the apartment. Red dust on everything!!!!!!!!!! I had to spend about 4 hours cleaning up surfaces and vaccuming everything to get the red crunt of all our belongings.

At least I know when I move to London I won't ever wake up and feel like Frank Grimes with a film of red dust on everything I touch.

I'll just be cold and mouldy instead. Can't Wait !

Streetcar will kill ya

You're a dame and i'm a fella.... Stanely stop or i'll tell Stella!
All I want is one embrace... i'll twist this bottle in your face!

Can't you hear me yell-a
You're puttin me through hell-a
Stella..... STELLA!!!!!!!!!!

If there is one thing you can't fault The Simpsons for, is being tapped into all areas of modern culture. And thankfully, due to my couch potato ways I was well versed into today's performance of 'Streetcar Named Desire' at the Sydney Theatre Company.

I have been eagerly anticipating today's show considering I brought the tickets 10 Months ago, and it truly delivered on all my expectations.

The three lead's -Cate, Joel and Robin were fantastic. You just can't go wrong with a cast like that and the works of Tennessee Williams.

Cate Blanchett was captivating, beautiful, funny, and ethereal in her performance. She truly conveyed the sadness and wretched state of mind that is the script's pivotal character, Blanche Dubois.

Robin McLeavy definitely held her own against Cate, and once again I was truly impressed by her performance.. big things.. I forsee big things in her future (says me with my shawl, scented candles and captain obvious crystal ball)

Joel Edgerton was............ hot. I saw him arriving at the theatre when I was loitering around on the street, and saw this hunky, sweaty, tanned man walking towards me.. it took awhile when I cleaned the drool off myself to realise that it was infact the leading man - Joel Edgerton. I really had to applaud the direction of this play, as there were so many gratuitious shirtless scenes with Joel it seemed like an insider joke after the 14th time. But, his manly tanned pecs and arm muscles aside - he was also incredibly good. He should win the Hot/Shirtless and Good Acting Award 2009.

However the thing that makes this a great show, isn't the fact that it is sold out, that the material is superb, the killer cast.... it's the fact that all these things combined could actually kill a person.. maybe it's just so good it should be illegal. When the show was in previews when it first opened, Cate was bashed in the face with a rogue prop when it slipped out of Joels tanned, sweaty, muscly, wet, manly hands and conked her in the head, being the trooper that she is, she continued the scene until she realised she had some brain leaking out (you can't fault the professionalism).

In today's performance, some old geezer at the back thought the show as so good they actually had a fit! As in; gonna die, having a seizure fit.. luckily there was a doctor in the house (sif that ever really happens!?!) and they jumped over the chairs to stop this person swallowing their tongue and dying right there in the theatre. Needless to say there was a lot of commotion. But Robin and Cate never broke their stride, they know the risks. If you're going to be as red hot as they are on stage, the tickets need to come with a warning.

Warning: Watch at your own risk. This Performance might be so f*#cking good that you could die.

HAZCHEM.

London Population: + 3 (including the cat)

So, my big news of the week is that my UK Visa has been approved so we are moving to London.. within the next couple of months. EEEEEEeshk!!!

Harking Back: when we were in London we were loving it so much because it's such an awesome, big city with pubs/clubs/fashion/bands/the vibe, and to be honest. - I really enjoy catching The Tube, so we organised some meetings and within our 3rd week of being there we had 2 job offers in the bag. Thank god all that standing around on corners in Soho paid off.

However the one thing we didn't have was a visa to actually get into the country and work, so within our first week of being back we put together a really anal folder with birth certificates/marriage certificates, any type of certificate we could get our hands on (my shotput ribbon from 6th grade??) and went to the British Consulate for an eyeball and fingerprint scan, and hoped that that shoplifting fiasco from year 3 wasn't on my permanent record, and that Mark hadn't raped anyone and not told me about it...

We had heard all sorts of stories about visa applications taking forever, 3 months, a year... so it was a huge surprise to us when we got our letter of approval 3 days after we sent it off.

3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had 3 months in my head. So now I am looking at all the crap that is in my apartment and mentally chucking/storing/packing.. I gave 3 bags of clothes to goodwill already, and have been eyeing off all sorts of rubbish that I have accumulated over the years to put into the bin.

Lenny has already been to the vet to get the process of his Pet Passport happening, so now it's just a matter of packing our crap, telling Fuckwit Fenwick that we are moving out (that will be bittersweet) and buying our One Way Tickets to London Baby Yeahhhh.

Can't wait to be living it up in Zone 2 (sif we can afford Zone 1) drinking Fruli on a regular basis, and being able to see bands that would never come to Sydney because they think it is too far away (yes you Madonna), and catching planes to European destinations that take 45 minutes for $17.

At least I will be there by Christmas so I will be able to step off the plane and into some hardcore London weather. Note to self: get a muth'ucking warm jacket.

Sooooooooooo exciting!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Diary, I am 12

I've been culling through the hordes of crap in my spare room, one thing in particular is my picnic basket where I keep all my old journals dating back to 1992.. they are HILARIOUS!! omg I was and still am such. a. loser.. but i would still be friends with me.

check it:

July 1992 - at a time where I was obsessed with Edward Furlong

I love Edward Furlong so much it's unbelievable. I'd like to meet him but I don't know where he lives. But I have an idea on how to.
1. go to the post office and ask where to post a letter to him then follow the postman to his house. But I dont want to write a letter and I don't want to send a photo as I look nothing like Jodie Foster. And i'm not 15 yet.

Even back then I had the good stalking senses.

Word on the Street: My Street

so i'm back in sydney, it's decidedly sydney-ish, in that there are no old town squares and no 400 year old churches and basically nothing Prague about the place. But that is ok because we have a nice harbour and I was thoroughly enjoying it on my ferry trip into the city on my first week back. I have seen stingrays and octopus' in that shit so that is one thing that our harbour has over the fantastic wonderland that is Europe.

Aside from our stingrays and octopus life has unfolded like this:

So in my first week back I was offered a job, which is awesome - the condition being that I read 'The Secret' so I have been doing so and 'visualising' all the things I want, let's see if I can materialise some lipgloss/pencil skirts out of thin air like the book says.

I also got completely into The Hills whilst I was away, however for some ghey reason the channel it was on over there wasn't playing them in chronological order, so one second Lauren's with Brody, then she's with Jason, and living with Heidi, then they are bitter enemies. It was confusing and no amount of wikipedia could sort out that situation, so I have been on a regime of serious Hills Watching Marathon.. I am going to use my 'secret' skills to materialise myself a job at Teen Vogue for shiz (the People's Republic I don't care for - that lady who runs it seems like a crazy woman)

And that's about it.. Lenny didn't do a giant Anger Poo on a powerboard like he did last time we got back from holidays so that was a nice change.

Streetcar

One of the perks of my old job was an insider knowledge of the theatre world, and thusly I have two tickets to A Streetcar Named Desire, playing at the Sydney Theatre Company, starring Cate Blanchett & Joel Edgerton.

You know what gets on my goat though, how noone ever writes about Robin McLeavy also being in this production.

Hello! there are 3 intergral characters in this main cast!!!!!!

I first saw Robin in another STC production of The Great, and I knew after seeing her in that, that she was going to be Mega. A Megastar. I'm sure Streetcar will be the platform that sends her career into the stratosphere and she'll be a familiar figure walking down the Oscars carpet in a few short years.

Joel Shmoel. I brought tickets to see Robin & Cate.

Next Weekend!! Can't wait.

That's HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know how in Sex and the City, Samantha is always joking about how she's fucked everybody in New York and some people in New Jersey... well she's pretty much right on target about fucking everybody.

"Why dont you act like..... you fucked Samantha"

THAT'S IT!!!!!

This is the The Guy

He also plays Lex Luthor, Blair Waldorf's dad, and lots of 'Guy in Suit' type roles..

Arhhhhh. Now I can sleep again.

Leather Apron: aka gheyest Ripper Name Yet

On our last night in London, we decided being the gangstas that we are that we would go out in style, do something really London.. so booked a Jack the Ripper Tour, then would go for a curry in Brick Lane.

Well we did the curry, but we walked out of the Tour.

So disappointing. You would think being Jack the Ripper, that the tour would have a lot to work with, gory photos, interesting stories, spooky locations, but the tour went down like this:

Standing in Carpark: "we're gonna go to some real good places, but I cant take you to that place cos the guy tells me fuck off every time I stand under his window"

Standing on the Street: "this is where some building used to be (brings out laminates) but its not here anymore"

Standing on another Street: "this building is where a victim was last seen alive! ofcourse its not really this building, as that was knocked down years ago.. but here is a laminate"

Talking about The Ripper: "who here has seen From Hell with Johnny Depp?? Who here likes Johnny Depp?? well Johnny Depp had a beer in that pub whilst filming From Hell..."

Rightio, well as much as I am a huge Johnny Depp fan, I fail to see how where he drank a beer as an important part of Jack the Ripper History.

So in the end, when my friends eyes were rolling into the back of her head, we decided to ditch the group and get some Curry and Fruli's.

Coincidentally we did go to the pub where a) johnny depp had a beer, and b) the victims of the ripper were known to get drunk. (It's weird being in a pub that was built before Australia was discovered) and I went down to the dungeonesque bathrooms and took a photo, and I have captured some Orbs.

Upper Right Hand Corner Orb: ripper victim

I should totally have my own Ripper Tour. You can pay me in Chilango's and Frulis.

The annoying thing about the Ripper Tour would be that you have no closure at the end. Noone knows who it was or why he did it or what happened to the Ripper when he stopped Ripping, so here is what I would end my tour with.

As you know the Ripper Murders only spanned a few months during the terminal year of 1888, from August - November, why did the murders stop then and so abruptly when the Ripper was clearly honing his ripping craft and enjoying his dark ways ??... now it is my theory that Jack the Ripper was caught on some petty theft bread stealing charge.. and shipped off to Australia. So there you have it, Australia - land of killer drop bears, ocean stingers, convict criminals, and a sucessive Jack the Ripper bloodline..

You can leave your tips in the hat.

The Great Toilet Paper Debate

You know the one thing that really gets my goat re: Men/Husbands/The Y Chromosome..

It's not that they leave the seat up
It's not that they can't seem to find things right in front of their eyes
It's not that they seem incapable of normal brain function

It's that they can use half a freakin roll of toilet paper when they go the toilet.

Half a Roll!!!!!!!!! on ONE crap!!!!
It just doesn't make any sense on the (crap: paper) ratio
What the hell is wrong with your anus when you need that much TP to get the area clean??

Do you have a second anus that leaks crap out continuously?
Do you wipe yourself mid-crap?
Were you just never taught how to wipe your arse properly??

I could get by on just one square. Put me on a pedestal already.
President of the Happy Crappers Fanclub.

Breathtaking Bellagio

When we were first talking about taking a trip for Mark's 30th, we were of the mindset that we would go to Las Vegas and stay at the Bellagio Hotel where we got engaged, it's got a nice fountain and it's a good party town.. then I discovered the actual town of Bellagio, and suddenly Las Vegas was on the dung heap and Europe was on the menu.

Bellagio is an hours drive north out of Milan, it is situated on the tip of Lake Como at the juncture of 3 lakes, with the Swiss Alps in the background. If you can figure out the GPS system, and driving on the other side of the road on skinny roads that only fit one car, it's well worth the drive, as it is breathtaking.

It is a very tiny town, with pristine water and mountains everywhere. I was surprised to find that it was also very affordable, the food was the same price you would pay in a big city which is a nice change because usually if places have you hostage they extort as much money out of you as possible. Bellagio is not like that. The food is incredible and rich, I was once again too full to move, and had to be hauled out the restaurant in a wheelbarrow.

This is the view from our Hotel Room

Needless to say I didn't feel the need to leave the room and would have quite happily stared out the window for the duration of our stay.

Bellagio would be an amazing place to visit in the winter, with snow on the peaks of the mountains that surround you, but being that it is summer we had the fortunate experience of seeing people swimming in Lake Bellagio, there is a "beach" you can walk to, and I use the term beach loosely, as its the rockiest most uncomfortable beach I've ever had my feet crippled on. But the water was divine.. I saw lots of people wearing Crocs and whilst I do come from the 'only jerks with no taste wear crocs' school of thought, the next time we are here I'll be croc-ing it up massively as it's the only way to walk to the water without causing massive injuries to your feet from walking on pointy rocks the whole time.

We knew that we'd be swimming in the lake and I told Mark to pack his boardshorts, but of course he didn't listen to me and forgot, and I'm not about to spend $80 on a new pair, so he was forced into buying "punishment pants" ie: James Bond Dickstickers.

I said everyone else in Italy wears them so it won't be a big deal and I was right.. although I would go as far as saying that the Italians don't even bother with Speedo Dickstickers, they just go out in their undies.

I mean how else are you supposed to get an all over even tan??? The Italians know this, hence why this guy drove his boat around all day in his white underpants.

Bellagio had excellent shopping and an amazing jewellery story where the designer makes pieces exclusively for this shop and nowhere else. I can see why George Clooney lives in a Villa in the area and why Snoop Dogg comes here to buy his Pimp Canes.

I want this Octopus Ring!!!!!!!! and matching Bracelet, made with Diamonds.. when I have a spare $12,000 for the ring.. I'll defo be back.

Overall, I'm glad I went to Bellagio, and will be putting this on the itinerary of places to live at when we move over here. It was sad to leave, I will miss the gorgonzola gnocchi, and the piano man who sings all night under our window, and the mountain peaks, and the pimpin jewellery I can't afford.

Let's move to Italy

I think it's fairly impossible to visit Italy and not want to quit your job and move there for at least 3 months. What is not to love? great food, easy to learn language, fashion, more amazing buildings, and funky Italian people.

Milan was an excellent city and I'm so glad I went. It was super easy to get around too, usually I would be a bit apprehensive about getting on the tube in a country where the signs aren't in English, but we figured it out and zipped around the city with ease (a ticket costs $3 for unlimited travel) too easy. Makes the experience that much better knowing you got around with the locals and weren't stuck on an overpriced tourist bus.

As I've said before Milan doesn't have the overwhelming historical mega building factor that Rome has, but it does have some pretty cool shit:

This is the Duomo. Took 400 years to build, and anything called a Duomo is cool cos you can hark back the Silence of the Lambs when Hannibal Lector is stroking his chin and reminiscing about the 'Duomo seen from the Belvedere'....... it's an incredible building, made from this flawless white marble. You can climb around on the roof for $6 and see the incredible structural genius for yourself. The intricate details of the sculptures are amazing, and there are Lions everywhere. Lions Lions Lions. What's with all the Lions?? CS Lewis really didn't have to think too hard when coming up with Aslan for the Chronicles of Narnia.

The coolest thing about Europe, with all it's history and sic buildings, is that you could totally picture a movie about the Knights Templar taking place in all these locations. Something actiony, with Nicholas Cage, and Ninja Knights of the Modern Age, and Will Ferrell and John C Reilly as two Italian Brothers who are scam artists... (Sony Pictures???)

Our Milan experience I am sure wouldn't have been as good if we weren't staying in the Navigli area.

This neighbourhood is situated on the Canals (which are the brain child of Leonardo Da Vinci) The Canals are the cleanest I have ever seen, and I was this close to jumping in them on a hot 30 degree day. It was great to stay there because it's not a tourist area (there is one hotel) because this is where families and the regular peeps of Milan live. Hence, dinners are cheaper ($8 for an all you can eat Happy Hour from 6 - 10pm) which has a spread of anti-pastas/salami/mozzarella balls/meatballs/penne/pizza.. the best food you will come across and dirt cheap. So great. I ate so much I practically rolled home after a 4 hour food fest.

The Milanese are really cool. They are really nice, really trendy, and have great fashion sense and haircuts.. I've never been into undercuts, but after seeing our sexy waitress who looked like Scarlet Johnansens twin, I could be swayed to getting the buzz on my neck.

So go now. Book a ticket and go to Italy for 3 months. Although if you're going to Milan stay in the Navigli Neighbourhood, otherwise you might have to eat rip off pizza and stare at graffiti walls out of your underwhelming hotel room.

Prague: Boner Land

Prague is truly one of the most beautiful cities I've ever been to, check out this building:

Sooooooooo pretty. I want to be married to that pink building. If there was ever going to be a sick episode of Jerry Springer where a bunch of perverts came on stage and said what they would like to marry if if wasn't against the law (goats/a chair/your niece) I would be up on that stage with a picture of that building.

This is just one of the many beautiful churches, you can't swing a cat without hitting a beautiful 800 year old church. kinda makes me wish I religious so I had a reason to go in them.

Bones Bones Bones. If Bones are your thing, then this Ossuary in Prague would be your place, they built houses, candelabras, and giant shields from the bones of the 40,000 plague victims who died in this town. Creepy.

Book a ticket to go. Now.

Who is that Guy???

I've been in Italy this past week, and for my final few days we drove up to Bellagio, which is at the top of Lake Como near the Swiss Alps, they say that Bellagio is the most exclusive resort on the lake, and I have to agree, specially when you see famous actors walking around with their hot wives and good looking children.

Except I can't for the life of me remember what i've seen that guy in, so he's not A List, but he crops up in movies all the time.

It's soooooooooooooooo frustrating when you see an actor but you can't remember what he's from, it really got in the way of my brain enjoying the good time my body was having, lying on a beach (who is that guy?) staring at mountain ranges (who is that guy??) so I did what any sane person would do...

I wrote a song about all the situations I could imagine this guy acting in, in the hopes to stir something in the deep recesses of the IMDb of my brain.

(In the tune of F#)

Who is that guy?

Who is that guy?

I really need to know - who is that guy??

Why don't you act like - you're in the White House (thats not it)

Why don't you act like - there's aliens attacking (thats not it)

Why don't you act like - you raped your daughter (thats not it)

Why don't you act like - you're Lindsay Lohan's dad (thats not it)

Why don't you act like - you're looking for treasure (thats not it)

Why don't you act like - there's a really bad storm coming (thats not it)

Why don't you act like - there's killer robots (thats not it)

Why don't you act like - a businessman who delivers bad news (thats not it)

Why don't you act like - you're the chairman of the board (thats not it)

Why don't you act like - you're out for revenge (thats not it)

so basically he's not in: Armageddon/Perfect Storm/Independence Day/The Day after Tomorrow/National Treasure/Batman....... but I know he's in something.... usually playing some guy in a suit.

I thought it was this guy: but ......... thats not it

Prague's Ghosts

Whenever I'm in a new and exciting city, I like to know a bit about the stuff I'm looking at, otherwise it's just a bunch of pretty buildings, and you could be looking at pretty buildings anywhere. However most tours are full of lame-o's. I refuse to follow someone around whilst they hold up an umbrella and give the tour in 4 different languages and tell you simple facts I read about in a brochure at the airport.

I need blood. I need gore. I need to know all about the dirty history. I need a ghost tour.

The Ghost Tour I went on covered a lot of dark history about Prague, some interesting things of note. Prague was mainly untouched during WWII so many of its original buildings are still standing to this day, and thus carry their dark secrets within their walls, thus Prague is one of the most haunted cities in Europe.

The guy who designed the amazing 'Astronomical Clock' which the likes of had never before been seen before, and thus drew thousands of merchants and civilians to the area for trade, had his eyes gouged out so he could never design another clock for a different city so they could keep all the trade business in Prague. Rough.

Apparently there are hundreds of catacombs and tunnels under Prague's Old Town, that were sealed off around WWII. Many people would die in the tunnels from getting lost and trampled to death by running away from enemies, which makes Old Town, Orb City.

The Ghost Tour encourages you to take flash photography so you can pick up Orbs, Orbs being a ball of light thought to contain a spirit that is normally not able to be seen with the naked eye. I picked up many orbs.. and they aren't just dust/water/drops on the lens.. It's ghostly.

As you can see over the doorway on a building opposite St James Cathedral - 4 Orbs. The story about St James Cathedral is that many bodies are buried inside it's Crypts. One story in particular being about the guy who founded the first University in Prague, who was buried alive in his own Crypt, and grave attendants found his skeleton slumped up against the door when they opened to it to bury another family member many years later.. Sucks, that is my worst nightmare.

It's hard to see the Orb which is in the lower corner near the drain on the floor of Kinksky Palace, but its there. Now.. Kinksky Palace you will notice when you enter Old Town Square of Prague, is that it is the only building that juts out from the square of buildings around it. Apparently the Count who ordered the Palace to be built wanted to stand out, so he hired some builders to break ground into the town square, however they would find when they returned to the foundations in the morning that they had been destroyed. Legend says that some creepy old man (the devil in disguise) told them that they would never be able to break the borders of the town square unless they had the devil on their side, and to do so would require an act of supreme evil... so these builders went to a village outside of Prague, brought a young child from an orphanage, and killed her and laid the foundations over her body. The building was thus completed and no damage was ever made to the building again. However when the Count moved into his amazing new Palace he felt decidedly creeped out and could hear a child screaming coming from the depths of the Palace Floors, and he moved out 1 month occupancy. The building is now part of the National Museum, and workers say they still hear the sounds of a child screaming coming from the drain at night.

In Prague Square, you probably wouldn't notice these crosses that are paved into the ground, and would walk over them without a second glance. However the Czech people know to avoid stepping on these stones because of the significance they hold and the sad history that lies behind them. Thousands of years ago there was a Protestant revolt. A revolution. And if there is one thing the Catholic Church hates, is a revolution. So they rounded up the 27 Protestant's who were mainly responsible for this and hung them in the town square. These gravestones are there to commemorate their lives. And you can see an orb hanging over the crosses in the middle.

Now after the tour I was pretty spooked. I love ghost stories, but there were fricken ghosts and Orbs everywhere, and I just wanted to go home to bed and away from all the demons lurking in the street.

This is Hotel Hastal Prague. A really great hotel where I stayed for my trip... with a huge freaking Orb outside.. not only outside, but right near my window!!!!!!!!!! aghhhhh

Unfortunately Hotel Hastal wasn't on the tour so I have no idea what this Orb is, but if I had to guess i'd say its the spirit of one of the Hotels previous owners keeping a watch over the place, as the Hotel has been in the same family for many generations.... still, as benevolent as that Orb may be, I still slept with the light on and one eye open.

If you are ever in Prague go on McGee's Ghost Tours, it is the most entertaining and education tour you could do whilst in the area.

Milan I Love You

I finally figured out what makes me inherently Australian... when you see a really nice refreshing body of water and think.. I should totally jump in that.

We are staying on the Canals of Navigli, which is in the el trendo area of Milan. For some reason a lot of people must come to Milan and not come to this area, but I can honestly say it is the fucking coolest Italian place I have stayed in. The canals were designed by Leonardo Da Vinci, and are the cleanest canals I have ever seen, the water is a glistening aqua-green, with fish and sea grass running all through it. Kudos to you Leonardo.

Milan gets a lot of shit because it is not as spectacular as Rome. Only Rome can be Rome, think of Milan rather as a fantastico City Shitty Chic. It is a bit Surry Hills-Ish, in that there is graffiti, trams, and only a couple of OTT historical jaw droppingly good buildings, but it is still great.

The Canals we are staying on are in the Navigli Quarter, which is where all the art students and trendites have moved to in recent times, they have built nice loft apartments out of warehouses along the canals and the place shuts down all the streets to have bars and restaurants open along the canal without the worry of cars coming past and running you over.

On sunday they have an antiques market on the canals where you can wander around and pick up some Salvadore Dali paintings, or some giant golden eagles, it was highly impressive and way out of my price range.

Milan is the only city where I have come across the Ultimate Happy Hour. Happy Hour consists of buying a drink for £6 then having access to an unlimited bistro with scrummy italian cuising; salami, ham, cheese, pizza, penne, meatballs, fruit... I have eaten my body weight in the buffet and haven't pooed in days. where are you crap???

The happy hour bars are all over the canal with similar prices at each one. It is fantastic.

What is not fantastic, is when you hire a car with a GPS system and the GPS breaks down. OMG I nearly had a mental breakdown. I thought we'd be living at the Central Stazione for the rest of my life, having to beg for money on the street with the rest of the gypsies and live under a bridge with a gammy leg. There is nothing worse than being in another country where you don't know where you are, where you are going, what the street signs mean, and on the other side of the road. Luckily we made it out of there alive, and are going to drive towards the Swiss Alps tomorrow.

Milan I shall miss thee. Anyone who bags you out clearly hasn't seen the side of you that I have Sure the Duomo is amazing, you can climb around on the roof and touch the marble gargoyles that took 400 years to create, but the city is about more than just amazing buildings. Happy Hour should be everywhere. I also like that the Beggar Children around here are just as happy with a slice of salami as they are with £2. You can't fault the Italians for anything.

Bellagio next.. will the GPS work?? or will I end up skinning a sheep and living in it's carcus like Bear Grylls??? stay tuned.

Wall F#ckers in Prague

Prague.

I have to say I've been to quite a few nice European Cities, and Prague is probably one of my favourites. This is why.

Upon arrival in Prague we went to our hotel which is in Old Town, and if you ever go to Prague I would recommend staying in Old Town as there is everything you need and nice old buildings to make love to.

However, the Czech people are sneaky, they like to test your boundaries, they like to give you a shit room and see if you will take it or not. It only takes me two sniffs in a room to decide weather I would prefer to sleep in a burnt out car on the street, and the first room we were shown at our hotel was like this.

It clearly had been occupied by a smoker, I felt like I was getting lung cancer just by sniffing the curtains. However we went down to reception and were moved to a much nicer, fancier room. Yay for us. Although what up Europe with the twin beds ??? Two beds pushed together does not a Queen Bed Make. Fools.

Prague was about 30 degrees everyday, so my legs and boobs have a nice tan, which the locals clearly appreciated as I was getting picked up at every bar we went to, which is always nice. Mark didn't think it was that nice, but if he had the killer cleavage like me, then maybe he would get hit on as well.

There are bars everywhere in Prague. It is like the Thailand of Europe. Bars everywhere, cocktails everywhere, extremely cheap food and delicious drinks. What more could you ask for ??

Our hotel (Hastal Prague, on Hastalska) is about 3 mins from the city centre, and what an amazing site. I never knew I was horny for buildings before coming to Prague, but I nearly wet my pants at the sight of it all. Beautiful Baroque and Renaissance architecture everywhere, amazing churches, an Astronomical Clock Tower, side streets with more georgous buildings, Synagogues, The city has everything and more.

From Old Town you can walk 10 minutes over the Charles Bridge to Mala Strana, a city under the Castle which is equally impressive, plus it has a castle and an amazing church to wander around and fondle the walls and crevices.

We spent our 5 days in Prague, looking at buildings, drinking Pina Coladas, eating Goulash, and tanning up as we sat in Oasis style bars that pop up in the tiny streets as you meander around.

One thing I would highly recommend is going on a Ghost Tour around the Old Town Square, where you learn all about the dark violence that permeates through the Old Town walls, as well as capture lots of ghostly orbs on your camera like I did (I will post about the Old Town Ghosts and my orbs later)

There is a Jewish Quarter where you can enter a graveyard dating back to the 1500's, and one of the only remaining Jewish cemeteries since WWII. There is history amass in this place, and it is quite overwhelming to be in a town where even the pavement has a bloody history behind it.

We spent a day in Kastna Hora, a little town an hour out of Prague, and again... beautiful churches and buildings to make love to. If you are a building-o-phile, which I think I am, then Prague is for you. The great thing about Prague and it's towns is that it is on the UNSECO World Heritage list and was spared bombing during WWII due to its historical beauty and rich history.

Prague is just the Bomb. I didn't want to leave. Everybody speaks English and is super friendly, maybe that is because the Czech Men love The Rach, but I think everyone should come here.

We are now in Milan, and everyone we spoke to about Milan was all "why the hell are you going to Milan??" well we are staying on the Canals in Milan where they shut down the streets at night and move all tables and lounges onto the streets so the entire canals is party central. I love it here.

Prague 4Eva.. but Milan is cool too.

Referend This

When I turned 18, like that week or something, there was a government election and the Referendum to decide wheather Australia would become a Republic.

Being that I was 18 and stupid, I voted NO on Republic for the following spaz reasons:

* I like The Queen. She's a good old geezer, has a bulletproof umbrella, a nice collection of old lady dresses, and ever since the BFG she has been ok in my books.
* I like the Princes. They are hot. Why would I want to do anything to break this relationship? what if I bumped into them in a bar then they asked me what did I vote in the referendum and I said I voted for it... do you think there would be any Queens Jewels touching after that?? I think not.
*I didn't know what they would do with the currency, who would they put on the coins?? and what would happen to all our old currency?? seemed like a mega hard Too Hard Basket notion for me
* What if after we became a Republic, civil war broke out between say Queensland and the Northern Territory?? who would step in then?? the Govenor General and the Queen would be laughing at us from across the globe.

So yeah, for those reasons I voted No... but now i'm not so sure.

Why when I come to the UK and stand in the customs line, I get put in the "other" passport line with all the plebs from Mexico?

This seems really unfair. Why the hell are we part of The Commonwealth if we don't get a good passport line at the airport?? Sure we can race in relay and high-jump events in the Commonwealth Games, but when it comes to entering our mother country we get treated like criminal plebs?? This is not cool.

So if we ever had another referendum, I would see if they would make any changes to the EU passport line and if the answer was 'fools, you have to stand in the really long line where they look at you like you're up to no good'.. then I would vote YES to a Republic.

Then we could at least put our best Home & Away stars and Australian Idols on all our coins.

It's weird, but I like it.

Other countries are just weird, even though London is just a more impressive original print of Sydney, there are just weird things over here that we don't have at home;

Hair Removing Underarm Deoderant?? wtf? I brought some, so we'll see weather or not my armpit gets cancer and falls off, because what exactly is making the hair disappear?? wizardry.

Iggy Pop doing car insurance ads.. why?

East 17 music on commercials. I can't get away from East 17 anywhere I go, specially when you take the Victoria Line and the last station is Walthamstow.. that suburb is full of east end boys, and west end girls..

I went and visited Roald Dahl's grave whilst in the area, in some remote little village in Middleton. So Cute. Even the doors in the street were tiny like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Roald is buried at St Peter and St Paul Church on very nice green grounds. All we had to do was follow the other families of children to find his resting place.

One weird thing is that right next to Roald Dahls grave was one belonging to a Lorna Loopy.. wtf?? It's hard to miss the monkeys from the Twits on the gravestone. Who is this woman? she died before Roald so its just bizarre to see her grave next to his and have no idea who she is. Either she was a good friend of Roalds or she is the penultimate stalker Number #1 Fan, who can stalk her favourite writer into the next dimension.

Hope you took your giant dream catching device into the big dreamworld in the sky Roald.

Land of Beautiful People

Amsterdam is one great city. Everything there is beautiful. The streets, the canals, the buildings, the dogs, the people on bikes, everything. Why can't more cities be like this??

We stayed in a loft apartment looking over the Singel Canal. I wouldn't stay anywhere else, if you are ever going to Amsterdam, you need to stay here.

The city is made up of Canals that intersect each other and is a very romantic city, granted I haven't been everywhere yet - but this place is the best. Every canal has excellent shops, cafe's, restaurants and bars, and everywhere you look are super trendy sexy people, riding around on bikes with their long hair blowing in the wind behind them. Picturesque to the max.

At least I think it was this great, I was high the whole time.

The rest of the world needs to look to Amsterdam's drug practices. When you legalise you legitimise. I never felt scared, there were no pimps, drug dealers or anything seedy that comes with the image of the drug industry.

"coffee-shops" are easy to come by and they are clean, funky, and you can buy a variety of cannabis type products: cannabis lollipops, hash hot chocolate, pre rolled joints or grams of weed that you choose from a menu so you can control just how stoned you want to be (body/head) and where the weed you are buying is coming from (Afghanistan/Thailand/Dutch). There is nothing seedy about it, and nobody is out of control. It's the way it should be.

Magic Mushrooms are illegal now, but the new equivalent are Magic Truffles - which look like fungus covered rabbit poo which you can drink in a cup of tea. All the drugs come with instruction manuals on how to handle yourself, what to do if you start freaking out, and the shops where they are sold won't sell you a drug if they don't think you are able to handle it, and thus Magic Truffles come in levels: beginners/ intermediate/magical wizardry levels. So you feel safe the whole time that you aren't going to end up in a mental institution thinking you are an orange trying to peel your skin off. I think it would be hard to end up in a shady situation in this city.

But, the city isn't just about its tolerance to drugs, which is a very very small part of the city life. There is amazing art everywhere, incredible boutique shops - a toothbrush shop, a mens sock shop, great clothing, great everything.

Vondelpark is one place that I would definitely recommend, you can wander around and watch the bum community sort out life's situations, the peacemakers, the Heineken stealer's, Bird-Man, funky denim man who walked around for 2 hours laughing at pigeons then stole a vespa right in front of us (maybe it was his, but since when do spaced out bums drive vespas??) In Amsterdam anything is possible.

Whilst wandering around the Canals you will come across art galleries where one could purchase a Picasso/Renoir/Rembrandt .. if you had $15,000 to spare. At night the canals light up with fairy lights and is a very magical place. If I could choose to get engaged again, I would do it here.

The red light district is whatever. You walk down tiny alleyways and see lots of prostitutes in their windows. You can see a live sex show if you desire, or just walk around looking in red tinged windows.

I would definitely come back here. Prague has a lot to live up to.

No Durer Rabbits

I have been in amsterdam for 4 days. and yeah.

there are no durer rabbits anywhere.

amsterdam.

what a pretty city.

canals high.

canals low.

i have a sic tan.

against the window.

never before have i watched

masterchef.

here in our loft apartment.

i care who wins.

walk walk walk

lets buy tickets

lets not buy tickets

who wants to go to antwerp anyway?

thats just more walking in another pretty city

amsterdam is pretty enough for me.

been here 4 days

mark keeps wanting to get nude

i put him off and say lets go see a sex show instead

then we just watch masterchef and get off our head.

ive seen most of what amsterdam has to offer.

but i really feel that there is more gravity

on these magical canals

i really wish that dutch guy on the canals would shut the hell up

but unfortunately I dont know how to yell "shutupayaface" in dutch out my window

i really wish i could paint ay

i have seen sooooooooooo many renoirs/rembrandts/other famous paintings

that i feel my painting skills are shit and i should have a canvas

then i would be complete

i found the worlds best sneakers. but do you think $500 is too much for sneakers??

I think that its fine. and you would wear them everyday

and that is 4 days in amsterdam.

4 more to go.